Have you ever moved or replaced a piece of furniture, and found after moving it that there was a hidden mess underneath? This is an analogy that I use a lot when people are learning to adjust to life changes. It is coping with that feeling that life has been rearranged, and we feel like new challenges are exposed.
We often arrange our lives like a room- we like to be comfortable and have things in a functional pattern. We also like things to look nice and orderly. For a room, that means that we arrange it with a flow so that we are not always bumping our knees and we find spaces for the not-so-nice things to be kept out of sight. Or maybe we just sweep things under the rug or stuff things in a drawer for a quick fix. Things may work well this way for a long time, but usually something happens that creates a need to move things around. Often, once things get moved around, we find messes that we probably should have taken care of a while ago, and sometimes it feels like we no longer know how to move around the room without continually bumping into the mess.
Thinking in these terms, think about a time when things in your life got rearranged- for better or for worse. Reasons can range from much anticipated blessings and answered prayers, to unexpected and devastating losses; some sort of major success to some sort of major failure, and all of the life changes in between. No matter whether life change is good or bad, it still causes us to have to do things differently, which may expose our own messes, insecurities, and vulnerabilities a little more, and it can be hard to navigate how we do life without constantly bumping into them. When these things happen we are left with 3 options- keep getting frustrated with the mess but not do anything about it, try to find new hiding places by stuffing things down, or face the mess and work through it. Obviously the 3rd option is the one that is going to help you grow and feel more at peace in the long run.
So, how do you face your mess?
Give yourself some grace. Even the best changes can leave us feeling a little disoriented. Some great examples of this are getting married or having kids. These are wonderful life changes, but they also cause a person to have to change how they think and act, and sacrifice their own wants more than they ever did before. No one does this perfectly, and it can be a hard adjustment to make. If you are going through a life change and finding that it is a struggle to adjust, remind yourself that no one is perfect, and it is okay to be in the “figuring it out” phase. Just like figuring out new traffic patterns when you move around a room, you may need to try some different coping skills or new ways of communicating to see what works well in the new situation. Don’t beat yourself up if the change is hard or if what you did to cope before doesn’t work as well now. Hard things are how we grow, and try to remind yourself that you are still a work in progress.
Life changes mean role changes, not identity changes. A stay-at-home mom going back to work may mean that she is no longer able to be the full-time “household manager.” New empty-nesters’ parenting roles and responsibilities change after the kids have left the house. Elderly parents’ failing health may mean their children take on more caretaker roles. Or a job loss may make another family member take on the role of breadwinner. Changes in our roles may naturally feel like changes in our identity. Try to remember where your identity truly lies. As Christians, our identity is in Christ. What does that mean? That means that our sins are covered by Christ’s work on the cross, and we are adopted into God’s family. When God looks at us, He sees his dearly loved children. John 1:12-13 says “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.” 1 Peter 2:9 says “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” The entire chapter of Ephesians 1 tells us about how God has chosen us in love to be his adopted children, and all of the blessings that come with that. The room getting rearranged does not need to weaken the foundation. No matter how much our roles change, our foundation in who we are as believers is still strong. We are still God’s children, and still loved. We still live in the light. We can still live with hope.
Be honest about your mess. It doesn’t feel good to have your mess exposed, but the truth is, we all have messes, and keeping them in the dark doesn’t help. Try to be aware and honest with yourself about those messes that are feeling more out in the open, and then try to think of ways to address that mess. Hiding a mess isn’t the same as cleaning it up. I often find, when we try to push down and hide the “ugly” parts of us, we often hide some of the beautiful parts, too, because we can’t just push down one part of us. For example, we may push down our disappointment or sadness by trying to appear strong or put together, but that may also push away the opportunity for connection or the ability to receive love and comfort from others. Learning to face your mess often means growing and smoothing rough edges to show more beauty and maturity.
Don’t be afraid to do something different with the mess. Often we recognize there is a mess, but we never learned a good way to deal with it. We know something needs to change, but we are not sure how to go about it. It can feel scary to do things differently, especially if what you are facing is how your family has always “kept house.” Things may not be great, but it is what you know, and it can feel risky to try something new. It is okay to look outside and see how other people are handling their stuff and see if you can do things differently. Talk to people that you trust or people who have gone through similar life changes. It’s also okay to reach out for professional help to learn some new tactics and tools that can help to adjust when life is rearranged.
Remember, life changes are a part of living. We can’t avoid it. We all go through things that can make our lives feel like a tornado just blew through it. Or sometimes it is something small, but it makes us feel like things are out of place. No one has everything put together or figured out all of the time. Remember your foundation and identity in Christ, be open to learning some new skills, recruit help when you need it, and by God's grace you will get through it, and be able to adjust and adapt in a more healthy way the next time life change comes.
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