Sometimes life is overwhelming and the stress feels like way too much. When it feels that way, people often find ways to check out, and disconnect from the world. Whether that is video games, scrolling social media, binge watching a show or countless other ways, we go inward as a way to fight off the overwhelm. Can you tell the difference from when you are recharging in a healthy way versus when you are checking out and disconnecting? Here are some things to keep in mind if you feel like you might be withdrawing in an unhealthy way.
Checking out usually comes as a result of feeling overwhelmed. When we get stressed, our nervous system kicks into gear and adrenaline pushes us through. Our senses are heightened, we are more focused, and tend to move a bit faster. A healthy amount of stress can actually be a good thing to push us to be more productive and perform better. However, when the stress and demands become too great, we become overwhelmed, and our nervous system actually starts to shut down. Our senses become dull and numb, we lose focus, and we slow down. We often want to disconnect and be less aware of what is going around us.
Often, checking out can involve trying to numb ourselves. A healthy recharge usually gets us back in touch with our feelings and senses, but disconnecting means we are escaping and trying to push down those hard feelings. It may be doing mindless activities, or it could be self-medicating with alcohol or other substances. We are tired of feeling those negative feelings associated with stress, so we try to find ways to stuff those feelings down. Unfortunately, we usually are not able to just numb the negative feelings, and we end up numbing the positive feelings, too. Numbing ourselves may mean feeling less overwhelming stress, but it often means feeling less joy, too.
Checking out can also mean avoiding. You may be avoiding responsibilities like housework, job responsibilities, responding to calls, messages and emails, or personal hygiene. It doesn’t mean that the laundry in itself is overwhelming you, but maybe doing laundry feels like too much because there are other overwhelming things in your life, and it is easier to avoid those smaller tasks. Avoiding the daily tasks of living life seems like a way to feel less overwhelmed, but often it builds up and adds to the stress. If you are a Christian, you may even find yourself avoiding God. It feels too hard to face the difficult things, or we are frustrated with God because life isn’t working out the way that we hoped, so we may avoid things like reading the Bible, praying, or going to church. Avoiding spiritual practices means that we don’t have to face those deep feelings that are churning inside of us.
Something else that I notice in myself and others that I work with, is that checking out can cause us to do something I call “time-hoard.” In my years of working with children and especially children that had experienced extreme poverty or neglect, I occasionally saw a child who would hide and hoard food, because they were unsure when they would have their next meal. They would sneak food and binge while they could, because there was a fear that there wasn’t going to be enough the next time they felt hungry. These habits were hard to break, even after the risk of hunger was gone. They would still feel the urge to overeat and sometimes develop disordered or binge eating habits.
Being overly stressed can make us feel the need to hoard our time. We may not know when the next time we will have any time to ourselves, so we try to sneak it and stretch it the best we can. We may sacrifice sleep and stay up later so that we can “binge” on our time doing something we enjoy. We try to check out as much or as often as we can because we aren’t sure when the next time will be that we will have some free time to ourselves. We may even be irritable towards those things and people who keep us from having the time we are craving. It can also cause us to create some bad habits of disconnecting and being distant, even when the overwhelming stress has passed.
Do any of these things sound familiar? So what helps? How can we stop disconnecting and better manage the stress that drives us to check out?
For starters, be honest about your stress. Recognize what is overwhelming you. When you can name the stress, then you can problem solve to work through it. Some stress is unavoidable, and we all go through seasons where things feel overwhelming, but if there are things that are causing stress that can be managed differently, then try to be honest about that. Recognize what is in your control to change, and what isn’t. If you have small children that constantly need you, or an ailing loved one and are faced with difficult responsibilities and choices, it is normal to feel overwhelmed, and there are things in those situations that just are what they are. But also be open to asking for help. Recognize if you are trying to take on too much, and be open to accepting help if it is offered. Even just finding someone understanding to talk to about those difficulties can often lighten the burden. If you can find ways to balance your stress, then you will feel less pull to disconnect and check out.
Also, look at the ways that you are coping with your stress. Are you numbing, avoiding, or time-hoarding? If you notice that you are falling into some unhealthy patterns, think of more positive ways to cope. Look at ways that actually recharge you and make you feel good so that you are able to re-engage with the world and take on those stresses. For example, if you find yourself trying to numb your feelings, then try and find ways to re-engage your senses. Try things like getting outside, going for a walk, or trying a new recipe. Even just splashing some cold water on your face can help reset and engage your senses. If you are avoiding things on your to-do list, try to set a goal to start with doing one thing. It can be small, like making your bed or taking a shower. Often, the hardest part is getting started, but if you start small, you build momentum and it gets easier, and usually you feel good because you got something accomplished. If you are time-hoarding, recognize what your tendencies are, and try to set some limits. I love scrolling reels, games on my phone, and reading a novel as much as anyone, and I’m not saying these things are bad, but they can definitely suck up our time. Setting a time limit and sticking to it will help to find a healthy balance between resting versus checking out.
If it is possible, try to put some things in place that help you to have some regular breaks and self care. Find a balance that works for you. If you are able to find ways to regularly recharge, that will help to avoid getting overwhelmed, and it also puts some good practices in place to help you cope when those overwhelming seasons come. Try to prioritize time to take care of yourself, exercise, and have hobbies. That may mean putting some better boundaries in place, too, and recognizing areas where you can say “no” if you need to. Also recognize the importance of connecting with others as a way to take care of yourself.
Lastly and most importantly, try to re-engage with your spiritual practices. You are a whole person- mind, body, and spirit. Reconnecting with God may feel scary, but there is true peace in recognizing that you have a deep need for grace, and are also deeply loved beyond what you could imagine. It is a reminder that you are not alone, and never have to face the difficulties of life alone. God alone truly knows and understands your pain and struggles. He alone can give you the strength and wisdom you need to face them. He created you to feel, engage, and connect with the world around you. He doesn’t want you to miss it, and he can give you what you need to experience and enjoy this life to the fullest.
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