Imagine this- I’m meeting someone for their first session, and they are explaining to me the things that are going on in their life that have caused them to seek counseling. They may tell me about events, stressors, or anxieties they are experiencing. Usually towards the end, I’ll ask them how they respond to these difficult feelings, or how these stressors are affecting their life, and they give me a sheepish look and say “I can sometimes be controlling, and it is causing some problems in my relationships. I don’t want to be that way, but I just can’t help it.” This is a scene that plays out pretty regularly. Does that feel familiar to you? Have you been told in that exasperated tone“stop controlling!” Or maybe you are someone who likes to feel in control, and it feels pretty distressing when you aren’t?
What is behind our controlling behavior? Controlling behavior is a reaction to fear. When we feel that urge to control bubble up inside, it is because we are responding to a fear, insecurity, or a need to protect against a threat. Control is a response, it is the part that people see, like the branches of a tree, but fear is the root. Figuring out and facing the fear is a big step in learning to let go of controlling behavior. Learn to overcome your fear by noticing your insecurities or those parts that you try to protect the most from letting other people see. Maybe it is a fear of failure or a fear of not being smart/capable/responsible enough, so you manage everyone and everything to show how put together you are. Maybe it is a fear of rejection or of not being loved, so you push others to meet your needs and try to control relationships. Maybe it is a fear of your child getting hurt, so you do everything you can to control their environment to keep them safe. These are just a few examples of how we try to control things as a way to manage our fears. We think that if we can control everything, we will prevent the fear from coming true. However, we end up finding that we can’t really avoid every possible danger, and even if we do everything “right” or everything in our power to control things, we may still be judged negatively, we may still get rejected, and our child may still get sick or hurt.
We think we need control, because we think it will help us feel better. We think that the antidote to our stress and fear is to have control, but often the need for control just leads to more stress and fear. Not only is that a vicious cycle, it can also push people away and damage our relationships in the process. And often, the more control we try to gain, the more out of control we feel.
So what is the antidote to fear? Trust. Or to go deeper- trust in 3 ways.
1. First, trust God. God has a plan for you and will work things out for your good and for his glory. God knows every part of the situation, and he will give you what you need when you need it. Trust that he is with you and will lead you in what you need to do. Trust that he is also working in others and in situations in ways that you can’t see. Matthew 6:25-34 is a great example of this. Jesus tells us about how the birds and the lilies don’t toil or spin (or try to control everything to get their needs met) and yet God takes care of them. Verse 27 says “and which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” God is in control, and you trying to take that control because of fear or anxiety isn’t going to make things better. Trust in God’s sovereignty and his goodness. Trust in his promises of who he says he is and what he says he will do. When you trust in God, you don’t need to feel control in the situation in order to have peace or feel secure in the future. You can have peace even in the unknown. This is the foundation before you can begin to do the other 2 types of trust.
2. Trust yourself. Or rather, trust the abilities God has given you to make good choices. Our hearts are deceitful and selfish on their own, but if you are doing #1, then trust that God will give you discernment to know what is good and true. You can have confidence in your feelings and choices. Trust that you can make the best of things once your decision is made. If it feels like things aren’t going well, trust that you can also be brave and humble enough to admit it if you made a mistake, or apologize when you need to apologize. Trust that you can learn from your mistakes, adapt, and problem solve. When you learn to trust yourself, you don’t have to ruminate and feel like you have to control it all and have every piece figured out. You can have confidence in your problem solving abilities and belief that God is going to give you what you need to figure things out.
3. Trust others. There are some things that are your responsibility to handle, and some things that aren’t. Use #1 to trust that God will show you the difference between what is your responsibility and what isn’t, #2 to trust that you can do what you are supposed to do, and #3 that you can trust others to do their part. When you can trust others, it lifts a load that you don’t need to carry on your own. The need for control usually leads to the need to do it all. Letting go of that need and trusting that you can lean on others frees you to do the things well that are yours to do, without feeling resentment for taking on what you didn’t need to take on in the first place.
Asking for help when we are feeling afraid or insecure can feel very vulnerable. We
might even think it is a weakness. Control feels safer. It makes us feel stronger. Although we feel like control is good armor to keep us safe, it can do more harm than good. The thing about armor is, it doesn’t do you much good unless you are in a battle. If you were to wear actual armor around, it would probably feel miserable. It would be heavy and weigh you down, make it hard to get needs met, and cause you to be more isolated from people, because wearing armor when you don’t need it is silly and just doesn’t make sense. Control may make us feel more protected, but we have to remember that most of the time, we don’t need that level or type of protection, and it actually weighs us down and keeps us from the connection that we need to survive and thrive in this world. We need each other. We need to be connected and we need to bear one another’s burdens. Asking for help when you need it shows trust, and true strength.
There is another type of armor mentioned in the Bible that Ephesians 6:10-20 tells us to wear:
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, 19 and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.
Of all of the items of armor listed, there is nothing that even hints that we need to take over and be in control. I would even suggest that many of the things have more to do with trusting God and the protection that he gives us- in his gifts and goodness than in anything of our own power. It even tells us the truth about why we need armor, not to fight each other, but to stand against evil and darkness. In verse 19, the writer (Paul) asks for help- he asks for them to pray for him. When we trust each other and work together, we are stronger to fight against evil and we have more strength and power to do good and power to proclaim the gospel.
Stress and anxiety are normal and a part of life, but when we can respond to them with trust instead of controlling behavior, we can grow in our faith, our confidence, and our love of others. When we choose trust, it may feel scary at first, but in the end, it leads to more peace and freedom. We find that we don't need to protect and defend ourselves from pain and rejection because we can trust God, ourselves, and others for help and security.
Great blog post - thank you!