I have said before “people don’t come to therapy because they are crazy, they come to therapy because they are stuck.” What they are trying just isn’t working, and they can’t seem to get out of the cycle or pattern. Often they know what they are doing isn’t working, but they don’t know any other way. Sound familiar? Or maybe you’re not sure? How do you know if you are stuck? Think about the following questions and see if there are any signs that show you are stuck in a negative pattern.
How well do you feel like you are handling things like stress, disappointments, difficult relationships and the negative emotions they bring on?
Are you noticing that you go to the same ways of coping each time?
Do you feel like some emotions tend to “take over” and control you more than you control them?
Listen to the feedback of others. Are you hearing things like “you can’t keep doing this” or “something needs to change” or “you always react that way”?
Are you noticing that you are stuck in a feeling, and you can’t seem to move past it?
Do you find yourself ruminating on something or you are trying to avoid thinking about something, but it just won’t go away?
Are you aware that you don’t like what you are feeling, and maybe even have some ideas on how you would like to feel, but you don’t know how to get out of the negative and into the positive?
Albert Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” And yet, that is what we do, right? Why do we tend to go to the same emotions or coping skills, thinking that it is the right thing to do, even though it never gives us the results that we want? Over time, what happens is that we naturally become addicted to our style of coping, so it is really hard to break those habits. How do we become addicted to our styles of coping? Well, how do we become addicted to anything? We find something that meets a need (even if it doesn’t do a great job of meeting the need, it makes things a little better.) The problem is, it starts to make us feel like it is the only way to get that need met. It makes us feel like the negative consequences can be pushed aside because this is the only thing that will work. This also happens with our coping skills. We learned to cope in a certain way, because it got our needs met in a certain situation, even if it didn’t do a great job. We got stuck coping in certain ways, because it worked in some situations, so we continue to use those ways in all situations. Here are some examples of why we stay stuck in certain coping reactions:
Getting angry when you feel belittled or insecure, because it helps you to feel more power and control.
Staying quiet and giving in as a way to stay safe and keep the peace.
Giving up or feeling hopeless is the only way to cope when things are hard because the heartbreak of having your hopes crushed again is too much to handle.
Staying aware of all the “what ifs” and possible things that can go wrong makes you feel safe and prepared.
Pushing people away when you feel vulnerable keeps you safe from them seeing your weaknesses and rejecting you first.
The problem is, subconsciously, we become “addicted” to these methods of coping. It feels like that is always the appropriate reaction when we feel unsafe or insecure. Unfortunately, what may work in one situation, isn’t going to work in every situation.
There is even some really interesting science to back up the idea of getting stuck in certain coping patterns. It has to do with our survival instincts. I won’t get too technical, but basically, our brain is amazing, and it stores stress and “trauma” memories in a way to help us survive and stay safe. I can’t help but think that God was really merciful to us after the fall in Genesis 3, when sin and death came into the world, to wire us with survival skills like fight or flight to help us protect ourselves. The problem is, that because we live in a broken world, our survival instincts are a little broken, too.
Our brain stores trauma and stress memories in a way that is different from your pleasant or just everyday sort of memories. Our trauma memories are not stored as a story so much as they are stored as what our senses experienced during that highly stressful event. We may remember the way something looked or felt on our skin, a sound, or a smell. In that traumatic experience, our survival instincts (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) kick in. We do what we feel we have to in order to survive the threat and stay safe. Our survival instincts come from a different part of our brain than the part that produces language, rational planning and problem solving. Our instincts in the moment may even be really helpful and good. During and after the stress or trauma our brain stores all the sensory information about the event, so that we are able to try and protect ourselves if the situation occurs again. Pretty cool, right? The problem is, it only takes one of our five senses to trigger our brain into saying that there was something familiar and we need to respond with our survival instincts again. It may be the color of a room, a touch on your shoulder, a song on the radio, or even a smell, and our brains can send the message that we aren’t safe, and we need to respond in a way that worked in the past. This is basically how we get stuck in the ways we cope and respond.
The amazing thing is that we don’t have to stay stuck. I am a witness to people changing all the time! Sometimes it takes really hard work and commitment, but we can find ways to learn to respond differently to those familiar triggers. We can send our brain and body new messages when we are safe and secure. We can challenge ourselves to face fears with a new mindset. There is hope to break the cycles and patterns that keep us from growing, experiencing joy, and having positive relationships. It takes patience and courage, but taking steps to become unstuck will benefit you and those around you. Here are a few ideas to get started.
Start by becoming aware of what tends to trigger your negative emotion. When you are aware of it, you can consciously work to respond differently.
Notice what you are doing that isn’t working. Write down the emotions and behaviors that are taking over.
Make goals of what to change, and ideas on how to do that. Start with small changes and build on your progress. Small changes can be things like practicing taking a pause when you feel your anger rising, writing down your fears so you don't ruminate on them, or work on your self-care to help you manage stress.
Therapy can be really helpful for processing how past coping skills formed, so that you are aware of the triggers in the present, as well as learn new strategies to help you react differently to those triggers. There are even some forms of therapy that can help you become more physically desensitized to your sensory triggers so that your body does not go automatically into survival mode when something feels unsafe.
If you are feeling stuck, stay hopeful- you don’t have to stay that way!
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