“It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it.” Do you hear that sometimes? Have you been told you have a negative "tone" in the way you say things? Basically, someone is telling you that your message is okay, but the delivery is harsh. Or you the way that you say things sounds “mean” or “angry.” If you are someone who gets that feedback sometimes, it can feel hard, frustrating, and even confusing. I often hear people say something along the lines of “they told me my tone was harsh, but I don't even hear it. I don't want to sound that way, but I don't know how to fix it.” If you have gotten that feedback before and felt blindsided by it, here are a few of suggestions to help you to try and take the bite out of your town.
First, recognize your own self-talk. Are you overly critical in the way that you talk to yourself? Do you find yourself picking yourself apart and pointing out every mistake or every flaw? Often, when someone comes across as critical of others, they are just as harsh or harsher to themselves. If you notice that your inner narrative is pretty negative towards yourself, then that is probably going to unintentionally spill out on how you talk to others. Negativity isn’t just a switch to turn on and off, so if you are in that habit of talking negatively to yourself, it makes it harder to recognize that you might be sending that vibe to others, too.
Along the same lines,try showing yourself some compassion. Try to switch your focus from all the negative things you did and look at the positive things you are doing. No one is perfect, and putting that standard on yourself isn’t fair. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and you are allowed to be human. We all have things we have to work on, and I’m not saying that you have to be in denial about those things, but recognize that you are a work in progress, and show yourself some grace. If you can practice being compassionate towards yourself, then you are going to be more patient and understanding of others, too.
How you view your own mistakes matters. If you are hard on yourself for making a mistake, then you are probably going to be hard on others, too. Most mistakes can be fixed. Most problems have some sort of solution. If you fail and take that mistake and start telling yourself that you are the mistake, then you get stuck in a negative spiral. Beating yourself up over a mistake usually leaves you feeling discouraged and hopeless, so you are less likely to learn from the mistake and move forward. The same goes for how you treat others. If you treat a mistake as a negative flaw and are harsh to someone about it, then they are less likely to learn or be encouraged to grow.
Another way to improve your tone is to check your fears and be aware of your insecurities. That may sound like strange advice, considering we are discussing having a critical tone or being harsh, but hear me out. We are usually harsher when we are fighting to have some control. That need for control is driven by our fears. We fear that if we can’t control it, then we can’t trust that the right thing will happen. Also, we all have insecurities. We all have a fear of not measuring up in one way or another. When a particular insecurity gets triggered, it causes us to raise up our defenses. The more aware we are of the things we feel insecure about, the more we are able to respond differently. Instead of defensiveness, we can stay grounded, and respond in a calmer way.
Lastly, think of ways to lower your stress. If you are reaching your stress limit, then it isn’t going to take much to make you irritated, and that comes out in how you react to people. Try to find ways to lower your stress and practice good self-care. Things like not getting enough sleep or not feeling well physically can make it harder to handle your stress well. Taking care of yourself physically will help you emotionally. Stress is a part of life, and a certain level of stress can even be good for us- it pushes us to do our best and be more productive. Stress is also a sign that there are things in our lives that we care about. Just be sure to try and find a good balance between the things that create stress, and the things that help to reduce our stress and help us to feel more grounded or relaxed. When you are feeling more grounded, that will help you to respond to people in a calmer way.
Practicing these tips and building your own self awareness can help how you interact with others, and hopefully reduce that feedback of having a negative tone or harsh communication style. These things don’t change overnight, but the more you are aware and the more you practice, the more natural they will become.
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