Setting boundaries is a topic that comes up a lot in therapy. How do you deal with a difficult relationship? Set a boundary. How do you find a better work/life balance? Set a boundary. How do you practice valuing your own time and not pleasing others all of the time? Set a boundary. “Set a boundary” is a term that gets thrown around a lot as a practical solution to take control of a situation that feels out of control, but often, it is one of those practices that are easy to say, and hard to do.
So what does that even mean? What does it mean to set a boundary and how do you do it? Boundaries are the lines that we draw when we decide what is ours to take responsibility for, and what is not ours. It might mean setting a limit, or saying “no” to certain things. It is defining expectations. Boundaries are like guardrails on a highway. They help us stay on track and keep us from veering off too far in one direction or another.
Are setting boundaries biblical? I believe so. We live in a world that is designed by a God of order. God, in his great mercy and love, has given us commandments and guidelines to follow because that is how life works best in the world that he designed. He set a limit or boundary on who we can worship (him alone), and boundaries on how we are to treat each other (do not steal, murder, lie, covet, etc). He has given us boundaries on how to behave, and when we go outside of those boundaries, there are often negative consequences. This is also an example of how boundaries can be loving. When we stay within the boundaries God tells us to do these things because he doesn’t want us to suffer those negative consequences. The same can be true for us- setting boundaries can be a way to love others and make our relationships healthier.
So how do you set boundaries? First, look at the areas or relationships in your life that are causing you distress. Do you have a job that feels like it is constantly pulling you away and making you feel overwhelmed? Do you have a relationship that leaves you feeling stressed or maybe it is very one-sided? Are you getting feedback that you are spending more time on your social media than in the present moment? Once you are able to identify the areas that are difficult, it will help you decide what boundaries you need to put in place.
Setting a boundary really means making a change so that the area of distress isn’t wreaking havoc, causing the stress to spill over into other areas of your life. Trust me, if one area is causing trouble and you don’t set a boundary, it will definitely affect other areas, even those areas that are going well. The changes usually mean setting limits. It may be as simple as setting a time limit, such as an amount of time you are willing to give to something. It could also be saying “no” more often, or in terms of limits, setting a limit on the amount of times you say “yes”. It could also mean setting a limit on yourself, limiting the amount of power you are giving to the negative inner voice, or the amount of time you spend ruminating on a “what if?”.
The act of setting boundaries is healthy, but sometimes it feels really difficult. We may know what boundaries we want to set, but it can be difficult for others to accept. If someone is used to us jumping whenever they say “jump” it can be difficult for them to accept new limits to how often we say “yes.” If we really love work, but know that we are overdoing it and it is taking time away from our family or other important relationships, it may be difficult for us to figure out what a good balance looks like. Try to find some allies who can help you and support you. Don’t be afraid to tell someone about the changes that you are going to make, and use that support for encouragement and accountability.
Setting boundaries takes courage, but it also means that you are choosing behaviors that honor your values and helps you to make healthier choices. It feels hard at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes, and the more people around you will accept your changes. If you can push through the difficult part, you will find you feel less stressed, and more focused on the things you really value.
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